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[23 Nov 2009|05:41pm] |
I wake up to fingers and nails and belly and lungs pushing me to wake up. Be aware. I smell morning breath and sunlight, hair and damp wood. I wonder how cold its going to be when I crack open my front door but for now my surroundings are 98.7.
Later we giggle at the blood drawn while tea leaves steep. I brush it off, my skin always has been quick to break. Our tea is strong, two bags instead of one and lately I use it to wake me up. I found a domino tile in a field today. I pick things up, already plotting ways to give them new missions, imagining metal encasing whatever I find.
I fantasize about porches and plan on stealing views.
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[29 Sep 2009|11:29am] |
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How can one song have so many memories? First it was mine. Then it was mine so hard that I see her scooping me into her arms every time I hear it. She saved me every night when she discovered me there on the bed limp and unfocused. She would wake me up and take me out, coaxing me further from the bed. I wonder how it's possible I didn't know I loved her every moment, not just years ago, and not just now. Always. Then it became an anthem for him and my destruction. Two people in a twin bed curling up, saving space. He was asleep when it came on and I silently willed him to understand the words were sung by someone else and were meant for him. "I need you so much closer". I secretly put on the songs in your presence that I wish I could sing to you. I'm not singing to the world. I'm singing to you.
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[24 Sep 2009|03:54pm] |
I
Text, twist, sleep, cry.
I hide underneath layers of cotton trying to avoid my own skin. I found a string of pearls in my old room and I fixate on them, contesting their cores, and wanting to restring them. When I hold them up to the light I realize they're just glass. Just a reference to the nacre and time usually worn around one's neck. Their weight excuses their deceit and I want them even more, craving sheen and metal. I search continually harder for coils of metal and gem, fooling even myself into believing my body is worth something.
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| no worries, don't got no satan babies brewin'. |
[23 Sep 2009|04:34pm] |
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I surround myself with artifacts from a stronger time, hoping to feel more of that ball of dense fury that used to be my strength. I wait for it to solidify before rolling out of bed for fear of losing my will. My life is an exercise in self control and I am too aware of his feelings. I watch him walk away for a second time whispering after him: "I want you, but I might break you". I recieve a call from a woman who knows my insides better than I do, telling me about my traitorous body and its refusal to be still. I call him, holding my breath and wishing.
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| I'm starting to think I think too much of myself. |
[21 Sep 2009|07:20pm] |
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 nothing |
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Somthing tells m
Something tells me that
Something tells me that no one wants to be here.
We hold eachother like we're different people. Nobody gets the person they want in this town.
We spend moments together and break apart to continue our lives as the people we wish we were, laughing at her jokes. That girl. The one we all want so badly who spins away in her drug fog, eyes glossy, nose running. From the outside it looks so beautiful, but its really nothing. No one leaves that party with anything they really wanted. Pot cookies baked with spices, a little too weak, and cigarettes taken from "the last pack, really, its the last one".
The truth is nothing could keep me from something so glamorously self destructive. It makes me feel like my insides are on fire.
Maybe they are.
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[15 Sep 2009|09:45am] |
Nova and I fought last night. I really lit into her, I told her everything, including me not being able to speak to her until she gets her shit together on her own.
And she didnt even get to see my new hair color and fall in love with me all over again.
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[14 Sep 2009|01:18pm] |
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I started smoking again. I'm always so jittery, like the new hormones give me a new skin more sensitive than the previous. I drink tea and can't sit still, I feel chemical. I take too much medicine and can't concentrate, take shots for no reason. Salt and lime juice, which shoulder is it, left? I may not have spilled but maybe it's good luck anyways. I dyed my hair like it'll turn me into a new person. I get excited about umbrella sales because if big things dont work out, maybe the small things should. Two for one on umbrellas? Like lovers walk hand in hand into that rest stop and simultaneously realize they both need shelter. I bought the second one for my roommate, maybe it will make up for me.
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[08 Sep 2009|09:46am] |
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Some days I hate her.
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[05 Aug 2009|05:32pm] |
It is the last day of school tomorrow, I'm done with one class and all I have left is a final and I'm done. I am so subconciously stressed that I feel fine until something isnt working the way I want it to...then I just flip out because of it. I have a tension headache, big surprise and I really don't want to study anymore. I keep telling myself that a C is ok, I dont mind a C. So maybe I should just stop now. hmm.
sadk;fginsbdrgioanhusergopi;shuaerfgkjdfng;kisdngf motherfucker.
I think I'll have takeout chinese for dinner.
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[04 Aug 2009|10:16am] |
I'm having a dominance issue with my dog. I thinks he owns the place sometimes and he's too smart to not question his position in the household.
Now I'm afraid to do anything affectionate because he might read that as my weakness and his importance.
What the hell do I do, I just wanna love my dog. =/
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[02 Aug 2009|02:16pm] |
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sway of your hips 'round rings true.
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[16 Jul 2009|07:54pm] |
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I'm feeling good about things. Refreshing, no?
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[15 Jul 2009|09:00pm] |
You know, I have this period towel, and I love the stains on it. But the stains wash out, and it makes me feel like my entire period was wasted on a towel that just wont stay stained.
Am I right?
Yeah.
My happiness does not have to be dependent on anyone else.
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[29 Jun 2009|02:46pm] |
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Speaking german and pressed up against the bodies of my friends, words leave my mouth that I don't understand. Do I like this song or do I just like what listening to it means? We grow up and let eachother down, is it our standards alone that keep us from forgiving? Do we come full circle back to our childhood friends or do we convince ourselves it doesnt matter that they no longer exist to us the way they did. We become adults not through time but through experiences, that which breaks us grants us maturity.
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[28 Jun 2009|11:28am] |
I dont know how to deal with life any more. The smallest thing will set me off and nothing looks encouraging anymore.
scratch that, I'm tired of talking to myself, why waste the time to type this?
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| I wish she would get out of my head, its making it impossible for me to live my life. |
[03 Jun 2009|11:16am] |
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mood |
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Devastated |
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Every other night I have a dream about someone who doesn't exist in my life any more. Sometimes I think shes dead and I cry. Sometimes I run into her and she tells me she loves me so vividly I wonder if shes having the same dream 2 miles away.
I know its good shes not in my life right now, but if shes never in it again my faith in the world, which already disappears when I need it the most, will be gone forever.
When will this stop? When will my body be mine again?
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| Well its an accomplishment for me. |
[01 Jun 2009|10:59pm] |
Im so inclined to make such negative posts because for the majority of the time I do feel quite awful, but...
Its been six months, and my head is above water.
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[22 May 2009|10:18pm] |
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I have lost my faith in everyone and everything.
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